I would like to open this blog post by stating that I understand that every situation related to death is different. However, over the last few years, this is what I have learned about the chance of losing my battle to cancer. I hope it does not rub anyone the wrong way.
Easy and Selfish
Obviously death is one of the first things you think about when something as dire as a cancer diagnosis is served on your platter. This mindset is not mutually exclusive to death, however. These thoughts can stem from absolutely anything, whether it is truly life threatening or it is as simple as crossing the road.
However, there is one thing I have learned from all of this, and it is something that I am not sure I ever would have learned without this blessing of a tumor. And that lesson is that dying is selfish and easy. In my particular situation, if I had given up this fight and died because of this cancer, that would have been too easy. I would have closed my eyes one last time, and forced my family members to bury me, where my body would have remained forever. From my perspective, that is too easy on my end. It is selfish because I would have given up my battle and that is the end of me.
On the other hand, it would not have been easy for my friends and family. They are the ones that would remain awake on this Earth, not me. They are the ones that would have to deal with the mourning and getting over my loss. That is the uneasy part of all this. Actually being the one to die is easy. The ones dealing with the death are the ones I feel bad for. Not the dead version of me.
If I gave up, then shame on me. How selfish. Yes, I want to live a long life in order to reap the benefits that this life has to offer. A future wife, children, lifelong friendships, the whole nine yards. But that is not the only reason I continue to fight this battle. Another major reason, honestly a larger reason than the one mentioned above, is because I cannot imagine putting my loved ones through that grief.
I hope the reader does not see this as a bragging effort. “Oh everybody loves me, they would miss me so much. Blah blah blah.” Because that is not the case at all. Put yourself in my position for a moment. Wouldn’t everyone around you be devastated as well while you were forever asleep? Do you truly wish to live only for your own selfish benefits? I hope not.
This cancer is not trying to only affect me. It is trying to impact everyone around me. I cannot give up. That is selfish. I want to help so many people in this life, but if I give up this battle and pass on, then I am useless to everyone else.
I hope that you can understand this concept without having to get a diagnosis like mine. I am glad to pay the price of this tumor in order to share what I have learned. Nobody should be afraid of death. I certainly am not. I do not pity the dead. I pity the living who are affected by the dead longer than what is necessary (kudos Professor Dumbledore). I am not saying death is not tragic, because it is. I am only saying that the dead would not want you to lose control of your life after he/she has passed. Thank you cancer, I would have never seen this perspective without you. I would have never even considered that dying is selfish.
I should include another disclaimer. If a loved one has passed, but he/she fought as hard as they possibly could, then in my opinion, that is not selfish. It is only when you give up before a definitive ending that is selfish.