Apology in Advance
Many of you may think that this letter to my mother, which she has never read before, may be too personal to include in a public blog. A good portion of this letter is certainly dark, but what is vital is the truth that lies within it. Yes, it is addressed to my mother, but I truly believe that you, the reader, can apply this concept to your own life. That is the entire point of this website – to share my life story in order to present ideas that can help you be more in tune with your own emotions and wellbeing. Wish me luck, because here I go…
You have been so strong throughout this entire journey that has been bestowed upon us. I am aware that, during that week in the hospital, you were broken. Nobody deserves to see their firstborn child in a hospital bed trying to cope with the news of being diagnosed with cancer. For whatever reason that is clearly beyond our control, this family has been chosen to cope with this incurable disease. I am assuming that you have most likely thought about these two following scenarios more than once since October of 2014, but I want to put them in my own words for you. Ever since cancer has latched itself to my brain, I am fully aware that only one of these two scenarios will happen, and that is saying a lot coming from me because I am never one to deal in absolutes.
First Scenario – The Original Mindset
In this first scenario, whether it be a few months from now, a year from now, or even ten years from now, the cancer rejuvenated itself, and I passed away. This is the scenario where I let you down, and I did not outlive you. Now, I refuse to go over the details of this death but I do want to advise you on how I would have liked you to handle this situation after the fact, if it did ever happen. You could even call it, a last dying wish addressed to my mother.
If I passed from this cancer, I would need you to promise me a few things. Yes, I do know that a period of mourning is inevitable, and you can render this period in a way that you consider necessary. At one point though, you are going to have to stop crying and start moving on in a passionate and Mindful manner. Take it day by day, moment by moment. Make sure my little brother is alright, and that he is still on track to pursue the career of his choice. Make sure Dad realizes that, even though he had lost a son, that he has another one, and that Michael needs the same type of fatherhood that I had when Dad stayed with me in the hospital that week.
In this scenario, I am so sorry for not providing you with a daughter-in-law. Or, if I did achieve this beautiful goal, make sure that my wife moves on. There does not need to be a set period of time for this to occur. I just want her to be happy as life goes on, not mourning for the rest of her life.
Obviously, this is not the scenario that we want to happen, nor do I believe that this is the one that is in play. But I need you to be astonishingly strong if it does occur. Even stronger than you were during that year I was on chemo. The poison that was going into my blood, that year, forced me to have episodes of crying and unbearable fear, and I cried in your arms every single time that happened. However, you did not cry once when I was going through those episodes, because you knew that it was my time to cry, and you would find your own time whilst not in my presence. That is an impressively effective approach to blowing off steam in this type of situation.
The Second Scenario – The Current Mindset
The second scenario is certainly the one that we desire coming to fruition. In this scenario, I continue to beat cancer and, when I do die, it is due to old age, and not because of this tumor. I have said it before and I will say it again, for lack of better phrasing, I will do my very best to outlive you and Dad. If this cancer is never able to overcome my strength and endurance, then I promise you that I will provide you with a daughter-in-law so you can do her makeup for special events, have girl talk, and all the other things that you were not able to take part in due to only having two sons.
In this scenario, you are going to be the most jealous woman on the planet the day that I am married, because that will be the day that another woman will have taken me from you. But in all reality, I know that this will be a positive type of jealousy, because you will be aware that I am the happiest man in the world at that very moment.
Also in this scenario, I will have children, and this will allow you the opportunity to be a grandmother. I want those children to desperately want to leave their parents’ house in order to go sleep at Grandma and Grandpa’s house (you and Dad can decide on the appropriate grandparent name to give to each other). I would truly love to see you hold my firstborn child and realize the love that exists within Grandma and Nana’s heart.
These are the types of events that will happen in this scenario. Trust me, I work every single day, both physically and mentally, to keep this current, dormant status of cancer in order for these events to come to life. This current mindset is certainly looking to be the more promising one, but we cannot deem the Original Mindset to be completely improbable. Repressing ideas like this is not a Mindful practice.
Thank you for everything Mom, you were put on this Earth to help your son beat cancer, and you are achieving this goal to a tee. I love you so much.
To the Reader
Yes, this may have began on a relatively sad note, but I need you to realize the lesson that can be learned through this. What are the chances that we are going to die tomorrow? Hopefully pretty small. But you never, truly, know. The lesson is to be Mindful of today. That breath you just took? It is amazing. Your last meal? Be grateful for it. Please do me a favor, if someone you love is right next to you while you are reading this, take a look at them. Please tell that person how much you love them. If they are not next to you, please give them a call or send them a text. If you are not Mindful of such a beautiful feeling of love then, in all reality, you are ignorant of it.
Every time I see my mother, I hug her so very tightly with tears in my eyes. Not because I think the first scenario is going to happen, but because the second scenario is already in the works, and I could not be happier about it. Be Mindful that you, too, are in that second scenario.
Please, Stay Mindful.